Wednesday, December 31, 2008

After Christmas -- Happy New Year!!

Well, I'm sitting in Panera eating and checking the internet. We're staying down on the farm and there is minimal phone service and only dial-up internet from the house where we never hang out...

It's been an interesting time -- seen lots and lots of relatives. from cousins and aunts and uncles (only one aunt and uncle of mine) to nieces and nephews and second cousins (the kids) and brother and sisters. Been to the hospital more than i would have liked however -- but a dear friend is in the hospital with a brain aneurism. We are praying for him and his family.

Snow in New York so we're staying in VA for the holiday. Leaving for CA on Friday. Looking forward to being home -- trying to figure out how I can enjoy what I'm doing more. live for today. enjoy life. it's too short to not enjoy it.

well Happy New Year! here comes 2009.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

monkey quilt


I finished the quilt! Picture attached.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

relaxation

Ten things to do to relax, and in no particular order ...

1 - watch TV
2 - read
3 - sleep (does that count?)
3a - play stupid computer games
4 - type on the computer
5 - hanging out with friends
6 - knitting
7 - putting a quilt together
8 - have a drink
9 - taking a long hot bath or shower
10 - get a manicure

can't put a pedicure on there because it makes me crazy. I'm sooooo ticklish. I really like a good shampoo too, but I don't get those often. Okay, I don't find knitting to be that relaxing but I had to put it on there. How about a walk on the beach, that's a good one (or rather a walk around the harbor), or sitting in sunlight. Listening to some good music .. watching a good movie ...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

copy cat

I thought I would upload some pictures so I could be more like Katie. Here's the view in my office ...


and here's the view from my office...


















Anyway, I took some other pictures today and will try to take more and post them, just for fun. Almost done my newest quilt. I'm getting lots of help from a friend. Can't wait to finish it!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

friends

I am so thankful for friends. In the past couple of days I have talked with two of my very dearest friends in the world. Kindred spirits. I miss them so much but we are no longer geographically close and we don't seem to communicate well over long distances. Maybe someday this will change.

and then new friends. I spent a very little time with my new friends tonight.

thank you God for giving these women to me.

Monday, December 1, 2008

sharing

I was going to tell you all about my jury duty experience but that seems like so long ago now. Thanksgiving has come and gone and Christmas is creeping up on us. We're going to the east coast for Christmas this year. The whole family. So, I'm debating on whether to get a tree or not. I really want one. It's just not Christmas without a tree. Maybe we'll get a little one.

I didn't take many pictures on Thanksgiving, but as soon as I get them onto my computer I'll upload them. We had a nice day with three of the kidlets and the parents. I still made a ton of food and realized that my refrigerator is way too small. When we win the lottery, I'll have to get a bigger one.

Working on a new quilt. A sock monkey quilt. I'm excited about it. I just need to add borders and get the backing. I was actually thinking of machine quilting this one -- the stitch in the ditch method. I'm going to check with my friend who does this and get some advice from her. Maybe I'll take the quilt up to her house and have her show me how to do it. That's a plan.

I'm also going to make a sock monkey. It'll probably just take a couple of hours. I just need to get started.

gonna get ready for bed.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

motives

how can we figure out what our motives are for doing anything? I am so motivated by my self interest. I want to feel good so I do things to make me feel good. Whether it's eating or even exercising (which I hate), I do it to make ME feel good. I would so like to be motivated by love for others.

Enough of that. I want to learn something and learn to do it well. I have played around with different things, cross stitich, knitting, crocheting, photography, and now quilting, but I have never worked at any of them very hard. I want to work hard at something and achieve a higher level of skill. I would really like to be good at something.

Well, the husband is here so I'll call it a night.

ttfn (ta ta for now)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Work

So I anticipate next week being a really tough week -- not so much the work but definitely the people. I've got to do reviews and I am not looking forward to it. I am really thankful that I have a job and that we are not experiencing lay offs.

I wonder how things are going to go. I'm not really worried or at least I'm trying not to be. I am hearing more and more stories of lay offs and there is a part of me that is freaking out inside. It's not us, not yet.

And with all this, I fear that the people with whom I work are going to make my life miserable next week. Not all of them, but some will.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

WalMart

So I went to WalMart as planned and hated it as expected. The people who shop there are rude. The people who work there are too. It is dirty and I just don't like it. It's not all WalMarts, I don't think, but it certainly is with this one.

They did have some interesting fabrics, though. I got some delft blue yarn to make scarves for Special Olympics; and I didn't spend my allotted fun money. So I will put the allotted money in savings.

I need to figure out what quilt to make next.

Here's a picture of my favorite grandson!!

charmed

heard a new phrase today: I must be butter, cuz I'm on a roll.

Of course, I love both!

Going to Walmart to get some stuff -- I hate Walmart but they have what I want and need -- I gotta pick up yarn for tomorrow night's knitting workshop. Some for people and the other for Special Olympics scarfs, or is that scarves???

Anyway, I gotta run but I wanted to write a little bit now.

Monday, November 10, 2008

confusion

I'm trying to accept that I am where God wants me to be. Trying to get over the feeling of hopelessness and being overwhelmed. Okay, I need to focus on the positive.

1 - the devil cat is being sweet, today
2 - we can return the TV we bought, cuz the old one still works
3 - I have five terrific kids
4 - I have one terrific grandson
5 - I have a good support network
6 - I have a good job

I have a terrific friend who I never would have imagined being friends with. I am soooo thankful. Thanks Amanda for being my friend.

Friday, November 7, 2008

devil cat


So, we took a kitten in when he was about a day old. Bottle fed him and took care of his other needs like a mother cat (well sort of). Now he's grown up and attacks people like a maniac. He can be loving an affectionate -- but when he attacks he is terrifying. Last night, when I got up in the middle of the night, as I came back to bed he grabbed hold of my upper arm and really dug his claws in. so how do you deal with that.

Anyway, in spite of his obvious flaws, I just love this cat.

So, I live with the devil cat. He stays in my room most of the time. Sleeps on my pillow. I try to read his moods but I constantly don't get it.

Here's a picture of the devil cat as a teeny weeny -- okay, it didn't work. the picture is too big. I'll try again later.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day 2008

1 -- walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes today
2 -- voted
3 -- played shuffleboard with my husband and #1 son
4 -- made dinner for my parents

Decided to bail on plans for tomorrow night to spend the evening with my husband on his birthday. I was feeling guilty about not being around with my son here and not hanging out with my hubby on his b-day. Of course, deciding to cancel makes me feel guilty for doing that.

Monday, November 3, 2008

clever, i think not

I want to start coming up with more clever titles. One of my favorite shows (for now anyway), charmed, always has the most clever titles for their shows. They are always take offs from movies, books, or other TV shows. Really clever. however, on another note, I finished my most recent quilt. I'm really happy with it -- my only complaint is the size.



Now for the next one. Not sure what I want to do. I am going to the library tomorrow to get some quilt books/magazines to get an idea of what I want to do.

Well today is election day, I'm probably going to vote in the a.m. -- they say the lines will be long. We'll see.

That's it for now.
later.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

eod

got the laundry done, the beds made, the floor vacuumed (well most of it); did some shopping, sewing and knitting Pretty productive day. Even got 30 minutes on the treadmill.

tomorrow should be an exciting day. church in the a.m. then i must must must go to work. I have to work on the budget and some other things so that I can spend the time with #1 son when he's here.

So, push me out the door tomorrow to do this. It will be a good thing in the long run.

Redskins play on Monday night.

later.

halloween is over

so no excuses to eat candy or other goodies -- at least until Thanksgiving ... of course I need to finish the bags we bought to give to the non-existent trick-or-treaters. We got one group with two kids. that was it.

James Bond is on TV and I'm doing laundry. Another exciting Saturday. Actually I really enjoy relaxing and hanging around the house. Maybe even getting some things done. I want to finish the baby quilt I'm making -- so that I can start on another one. I want to make two blankets for two people at work (who are having boys) and I also want to make one for my mother-in-law for Christmas -- maybe my best friend who we're hoping to spend time with while we're on the East Coast. Lots of plans. Let's see how far we get. The work things don't need to be done until January -- the others need to be done in December. We'll see.

I don't like the new James Bond (not the movies but the actor) -- he's supposed to be tall dark and handsome. Not blonde.

My #1 son is coming home for a visit tomorrow. It will be great to see him. I think we will have the whole family together on Thursday night. I'd like it to be a picture opportunity but usually someone is in a funk and it doesn't happen. We can hope and pray for the best.

that's it for now. I'll write more later if I have anything to say.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

today

So day 1 of exercise and diet .. no exercise .. but I did stay away from sugar, mostly. I had a few graham crackers but they don't count. At least not now. Maybe later on.

I'm going to work on the quilt -- I tried to skip a step so I need to go back to step 2 and pin the quilt together, then put the top and bottom together.

I wanted to do something on here, but I can't remember what it was. as usual. I was going to add some lists on different days of the week or something.

Monday, October 27, 2008

exercise

I need to make a commitment to exercise and watch what I eat. So,maybe if I write it here, I'll actually be committed to it. I'm going to start out slow -- I'll start with 15 minutes a day for the next two weeks. That's not too much .. I can do that. As for the eating -- I need to cut out sugar. So no cookies, no more cookies. No more candy. No more cake -- except for required functions at work, etc.

So, I'm counting on you to keep me accountable.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Housework

That's what the weekends are for .. house work. some fun stuff too. I finished the quilt top of the baby quilt I'm making. I need to get the backing and then put it together. It's kind of cute. Two other people in my life are having babies so I now have some things to make baby blankets / quilts for. exciting. Of course, this blanket is a girl blanket and the two new babies are boys. I have some ideas of what to do but will have to wait and see what I end up doing.

Anyway, did laundry this morning. I didn't get to it last week so todays was kind of a lot. I didn't clean enough so tomorrow I ought to get to the bathroom and do some dusting around the house .. we'll see.

We also went to Costco -- it wasn't particularly busy but I'm not sure if that is usual for this Costco on a Saturday afternoon; it might be. Then I got a manicure. I need to get those every couple-three weeks or my nails start looking bad. This was like five weeks and was way too long. I'm going to go again in two weeks and see if I can't keep up on them better.

Are you bored yet?

Watched some TV and now it's time to crash. That was my Saturday.

tomorrow we have church, then we'll head to Mervyn's to see how their going out of business is going (actually kind of scary); then I'll probably go to JoAnn's for the backing fabric, I'm thinking light purple felt - don't think I 'll finish the quilt but I'll be able to put it together, or at least start to.

I want to make a quilt for Nana for Christmas - I'd also like to get something for my friend who we will probably impose upon -- and I'd like to get new stockings for everyone -- maybe make them, but I want whatever I do to be really nice.

On another note, I hurt my back when moving some furniture today and I'm taking vicodin and naprocin to try and stave off the pain. Hoping it'll just go away. The last time I did this, it took about three days.

that's it for now

Politics, schmolitics

I am sick of all the political talk around my house. The arguments, the passionate discussions. The one who talks dire news and the one who says the worst hasn't hit us yet. They are both right but the discussion just leaves me frustrated. it makes me fearful. I don't need to hear this all the time. I prefer entertainment. Maybe a small dose of reality but not a big one. I don't want to live in a vacuum but I don't want to be afraid of what is to come. I want to live prudently but not fearfully. Right now I'm fearful. Trying not to spend money except as necessary. But feeling like I'm spending it anyway. Okay.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Songs

There are many songs that I know that I don't know so well, this week's song is "Oh, what a night" by Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons. For about 30 years I thought the chorus went like this:

Oh, I. I got a funny feeling when she walked
In the room and I,
As I recall it ended my youth ..

however the real words are

As I recall it ended much too soon.

which makes more sense but I just couldn't hear it -- not until I went and saw Jersey Boys -- then I could understand the words and now it is perfectly clear. I wonder for how many other songs I have the wrong words.

This is truly something of import to ponder.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

boldness

This is what I am working on this week. Not being afraid of who I am and not being afraid for others to see me, the real me. This is something that definitely goes back to my childhood -- being ashamed of what I do, what I think, and who I am. I don't know why, what, or who caused this -- or if it's just me -- but it's something I'm tired of and ready to take on.

In two weeks I'm going to be getting together with a group of friends. I should be excited but it is feeling rather like an obligation. I'll do it and enjoy it but I would rather look forward to it.

10 good things about today
1 -- it's wednesday
2 -- I can work on my quilt tonight
3 -- don't have to do laundry
4 -- no interviews at work
5 -- I don't have any tests
6 -- it's not raining
7 -- it's not beastly hot
8 -- I have a job
9 -- I have gas in my car
10 -- I'm alive!

yea! I did it.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Blood

I gave blood today. It worked out well because the nurse who stuck me knew what she was doing. I have small veins and when they don't know it is really tough. Time wasn't an issue or anything.

Feeling rather melancholy. back to wishing things were different, I know I need to enjoy today for what it is and not look back with regret or look forward with dread. My life is good. there are some things that could be improved, but isn't it that way for everyone?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Wednesday

It's only wednesday and I'm exhausted. Just didn't get enough rest this weekend. Or maybe there's something wrong with me. Well, I'm going to eat dinner maybe that will help. Lunch didn't.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Finished!



here it is! finally finished. I'm so excited .. of course, now I move on to the next project. I have to figure out what I want to make .. or rather who I want to make it for. I want to do another quilt. I'm going to have two beds in our "guest" room, so maybe I'll make quilts for those two beds. I actually have one I want to use so I'd just need to make the other. I have the fabric I was going to use for this one, so I don't really have to buy more if I don't want ... oh, so much to do and so little time! How exciting.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

borders

I started sewing the borders on the quilt tonight. I did three sides and then I gave up and watched TV. Of course I played several games of spider solitaire and freecell before quilting and then blackjack while watching CSI and the Office. Didn't get any exercise in there.

Okay, I need to add those things to my daily regimen and I need to stop playing dumb computer games -- or at least restrict the number of times I play to like 3 ... 7 is the perfect number so they say... no 3 is better, shorter and I can play more. However, I should play 3 3s and leave it at that. Okay, starting tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm kind of psyched about the quilt, but am a little concerned it's not big enough -- and then I'm wondering if the batting will be big enough, oh help.

that's it for now. the week is almost over. I'll try finishing the inner and outer borders tomorrow night, then I'll decide if I need to add more borders, and then I'll finish it. WOW.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

three days to go

So I was able to work on the sashing for the quilt. I had it all together and then realized I had to cut the strips down by 3/8 of an inch. I resewed it and then attached the righthand sash. I'm so excited to be finishing.

Monday, September 22, 2008

only 4 more days ...

to the weekend ... until I have time to sleep in and make plans. I finished sewing the top for my quilt today -- i just need to finish the sashing and then add the borders. I may need to add extra borders on the side to make it the right size ... well, we'll just see how it goes. I may need my quilting expert's help to finish. I'm so excited.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

weekly 4??

don't know exactly what that is, but I have a list of my own ... four songs I want sung/played at my funeral. I know kind of morbid and when I can explain this in a sensitive way, I will (if I remember)...

1 - the trees of the field; Mary and Charlie had this song at the end of their wedding ceremony and it was great. So I thought it might be cool to have it at my funeral. The trees of the field will clap their hands.

2 - Amazing Grace -- a great song. maybe overplayed but if you listen to the words... Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me ..

okay, well. I can only come up with two right now. I'll come up with two more later.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Words

I really like words -- on facebook I get the word of the day from dictionary.com - I also get this e-mail to my work. one of the words last week was evanescent which is a really cool word

evanescent \ev-uh-NES-unt\, adjective:
Liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting.

don't hear it used much. I guess it is just evanescent...

More on quilts and picasa

I have created a picasa account and have uploaded my quilt pictures there. There is a link on my blog .. somewhere on the right hand side.

I'll have to see if I can find pictures of the other quilt I made and put that one up too. and soon I'll have the big one ... I may put some pics of the pieces up just so you can see how it is going .. very slowly. I need to take time out to work on it.

Another long day at work and tomorrow promises to be more of the same. I go in early with #2 son so he doesn't have to park at school. Maybe I can get caught up on my work and I have a ton....

Friday, September 12, 2008

quilting

I'm working on my third quilt. I enjoy doing it -- actually more than knitting or crocheting. I find it soothing and when I'm on a roll, it is something that I look forward to doing. I tried to upload the picture of the one I made for Mikey but it wouldn't load. Not sure what I'm doing wrong -- maybe it's too big.

the problem with quilting is that I need more time to do it. and I don't seem to have enough time right now. Either cooking or cleaning or just trying to recuperate. This week should be better -- though Friday we're going to Santa Barbara for a wedding. We should see Kelly while we're there though (she's coming up for the wedding, I think) -- and I have to get a wedding gift and another one for another friend's daughter who got married this summer... maybe I won't have any time at all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Cars

I had to go back and read my blogs to make sure I hadn't done this already -- I actually did but I deleted all my entries from before, so I can do it again. Following is a list of all the cars Paul and I have owned over the years -- it was more impressive when we had 10 cars in 10 years but the list is still pretty impressive:

1. 69 VW beetle (white) (my very first car!)
2. 904 Porsche - yellow
3. Light blue Chevy Monza
4. Green Dodge K car
5. Blue Dodge K car
6. Big Red - or was it big blue
7. The lime green rabbit
8. The full-size conversion van
9. Chevy Citation (from my parents)
10. 99 Silver Honda Civic
11. 2000 Black Honda Accord
12. Ford Explorer (Paul Jr's)
13. Green Honda Civic
14. Mazda (Paul/Kellly's)
15. 91 Honda Accord (Kelly's/Mine/Michael's)
16. Jeep Liberty
17. 2007 Honda Accord
18. 2006 Honda Civic
19. Plymouth Voyager
20. Honda Prelude (Michael's)
21. Toyota Camry (Mark's)
22. Ford 150 Pick up (Mark's)
23. 69 Chevy Malibu (Michael's)
24. Mitsubishi Evolution (Michael's)

There was a station wagon in there too, but I can't remember if we actually owned it or just used it -- there were other cars that belonged to friends of ours that we used/abused. Maybe we weren't such good friends when it came to cars.

My favorite cars, so far, were the VW bug (because it was my first) and the silver Honda Civic. I guess I thought of those two as MY cars.

that's my list for today. ;-P

Saturday, September 6, 2008

nails

got my nails done today. I've been doing it pretty regularly lately. I'm trying to stop chewing them and my cuticles. You'd think by 50 I'd have that under control. Bad habits die hard. I'm getting there though. Maybe if I get that one under control I can start dealing with some of the other bad habits I have. By the time I conquer the bad habits I'll be so old no one will care.

ah, well.

Friday, September 5, 2008

headaches

working on my third day in a row of dealing with a headache. I think I'm just not eating right .. today was too busy.

anyway, I was thinking of lists, favorites that would be fun to put down on paper or rather into internet space .. what do we call that? ten people i talked to today, ten things that made me smile, cars we owned, places I've lived, places i've visited, top ten airports .. that's a good one ... actually I haven't been to that many airports and I only really remember the ones I've been to multiple times

Katie I expect you to tell me which ones you like best

1. Houghton-Hancock -- it's sooooo small you just gotta love it
2. San Jose -- I love it cuz it feels small (at least the old part of it does)
3. Kansas City -- still feels small
4. Minnesota -- I love Snoopy and how crazy big it it (plus I go through there every time I fly to the UP)
5. Detroit - I love the water art (it's crazy big too but I was there for a really long time once and then for five minutes the other time)

that's actually it for the ones that I have any feelings about (except LaGuardia which I don't like right now...) Here are the others I've been to, but don't really have anything to say about them.

6. Dulles
7. BWI
8. Las Vegas
9. San Diego
10. LaGuardia - i don't like it at all -- had a bad experience in July (couldn't get home).

I think I've been through Atlanta, Houston, Tuscon (that was small too but not very memorable, except for leaving my phone in the rental car), Seattle, Chicago (O'Hare), Chicago (Midway), Dayton, Denver, San Francisco, Oakland, Washington Reagan. And I don't even travel very much -- Until ten years ago i'd only flown to Chicago once (to see Granny and Grandpa) and to Ohio once (when Jonathan was born) and that was it for flying. Hard to believe.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

tired / tied

this has been a really tough week - and a short one too. just stuff going on at work making days seem longer. woke up with a headache and just felt lousy all day. I did win at spider solitaire my first time out -- maybe things are looking up. I won at blackjack too - so maybe it's not that bad.

Been working on the quilt a little. Will try and get back to that tonight. maybe work on 12 squares and see where that leaves me. We need to get twin beds for our extra room (formerly Robin's). I'm thinking I'll make quilts for those two beds too. Something exciting to look forward to.

I am back to being exhausted. I had a week off and then a three day weekend and I felt pretty good .. but now back to the same old, same old.

Oh, the tied is just that I initially misspelled tired and thought it might have some deep meaning -- however, I'm not one of those super deep people so probably not -- how about "tied up in knots"..

well anyway not much else to say.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

blogging

I read a post earlier this week about what makes a good blog. According to the list posed by the writer, mine is not one of them. I don't really care. The purpose to my blog is to have an online diary that no one reads except me (and the few others who check in now and again). Prior to you guys reading my blog, it was just a place to put down my thoughts -- get my ideas down on "paper" ...

ah well. c'est la vie.

Here's another picture of Mikey and a few of EH.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Baby sitting

Babysat for my grandson for the first time today. I thought it went pretty well. He's a baby so he cried some, fussed some, and was happy some. Mom and Dad went to a baby shower (at least that's where Mom went).

In spite of the baby sitting, I'm feeling down. I don't know if it's work or the stuff going on with my parents or just feeling old. I'd like to shake it and feel good. but I can't.

I think I need to get back to my quilt. I've cut out most of the pieces and sewn together some of them, but I really need to get serious about it. and it's much more productive than playing blackjack (or any of the other stupid computer games I play...)

It's hot and I'm tired.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

no questions today

On a lighter note, I have been playing blackjack and mostly winning, except today. Today I lost 25,000 chips. and yet I keep on playing. I enjoy it more than Texas Hold Em because it doesn't take as much brain power or as much time - except when you are obsessive about it.

Went to the pound on Sunday to look at dogs - we're contemplating getting one. That has got to be one of the most depressing places. Those poor abandoned animals. I was on the verge of tears the whole time. By the way, all the kitties (of course I looked at the cats) were more friendly than the three I have at home. Such is life.

If I keep writing, I'll start asking questions so I'll leave it at that.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

adult/child

What do we do when children are faced with adult problems? how do we help them figure out the answers? how do we help them make a decision and then accept the decision they have made?

What would I do if I were in her position? I don't know. I know what the answers "should" be but could I stand by my convictions (are they really convictions if I can't stand by them?).

And the next question, how do we help adults make decisions they don't want to make? face futures they don't want to see? how can we be compassionate and firm? and do we need to leave the compassion at the door and just be firm - or even harsh? I feel the need to confront but I don't know if I can do it. but I have to. not for me but because it has to be done.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Baby



Welcome Mikey!!

Refuge

Where do I take refuge? is my refuge in the Lord as the Psalmist's is? I think not. i take refuge in mindless games, mindless shows, idle chatter. I don't feel the need for refuge. I don't see an impending storm. Does that mean there is no need for refuge? Am I ignoring the storm? pretending it doesn't exist? or is that I have sought refuge elsewhere and think that I am safe.

What is "refuge"?

ref·uge
1. shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.: to take refuge from a storm.
2. a place of shelter, protection, or safety.
3. anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.
—Synonyms 1. security, safety. 2. asylum, retreat, sanctuary, haven, stronghold.

How does one take refuge in the Lord? In Christian circles, we talk about these vague concepts as though they are not vague.

When you take refuge from a storm, say a tornado, you go to your basement (or where ever) and wait the storm out. The storm does not disappear because you are in the basement - you just don't feel the full effect of the storm. After the storm has passed, your life might be completely changed.

Refuge. hmm.

What are the storms in my life? how can I seek shelter until they pass? Should I seek shelter?

Or do we only need to seek refuge when there is a storm and/or danger? is there danger everywhere and i am just being naive to think that refuge is not needed.

refuge can't be hiding from issues...

safety, security, what is the third one. you need to feel safe, secure, and ?? oh yes, significant. that is a topic for another day.

P.S. I'm a grandma. baby picture will be posted shortly.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Anguish

"I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears." What is the cause of this anguish? the author is pining away, grieving. Since the narrative does not say, could it be an illness? the loss of a loved one? a broken heart? or the recognition of a great wrong caused by the writer?

When I was caught, when my true nature was exposed, I was despondent because I knew that I could not go back and "fix" things. The flaw was readily apparent and there was nothing I could do to erase what had been "written".

Let me paraphrase: I am tired of crying; every night my pillow is soaked with my tears; my couch has irreparable water damage. This is a soul in agony.

Is there resolve?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

why??

so what if I want to do something that I know I shouldn't; something I will regret. Why do I want to do it anyway? What is the driving force?

I know that Paul said, "that which I ought to do I don't and that which I shouldn't I do" (complete paraphrase) -- but is it just human nature? I don't want to fight it but I should... the world says we shouldn't fight human nature -- we can't do anything about it. so it goes.

I think I'll just go to bed.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Global Warming .. or just the environment

So, ever since I was little I've had a fascination with the Kennedy's (like who hasn't -- must be the all American past time) -- anyway, last night I went to a dinner at which Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was the keynote speaker. It was interesting. I felt like I learned something. I wish the left and right sides would come together a little better. It doesn't have to be so adversarial but they are. I think every one is concerned about the environment. Every one wants the earth to be around for their children and grandchildren. We don't all agree on what steps to take to get there -- or who should pay. But those are the things that could be discussed.

I wish both sides would be more open minded and talk sensibly. But they don't.

As they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

people

I like being around people, but it really tires me out. I don't know how others do it and keep doing it. Maybe it's harder because I'm at work every day. I don't know.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

ten good memories

that's a tough assignment -- not because I can't think of ten but how big on the good scale are they supposed to be. Let's come up with a few right now...

1 -- playing cards with friends

2 -- when Mark was born (not to say that other births weren't great -- they were, but there was something different about Mark's birth)

3 --when Paul met me at the train after being in Ohio for a month

4 -- making jam with mom

5 -- spending time with Robin

6 -- getting my promotion

7 -- hanging curtains in the room

8 -- buying the beds

9 -- when Amanda said she liked me, that she understood I wasn't comfortable around people... not descriptive enough

10 -- dancing at the Christmas party last year

here's my first stab at it. I'll come back to this tomorrow (or later today) and modify it until I come up with a list that I'm happy with. That's funny.

Friday, March 7, 2008

melancholy

why do I feel like I have to hide who I am? Why do I not want people to see me? I feel as though my privacy is non-existent. That's why I write this and put it up on the internet -- that doesn't really make any sense but I don't think anyone is reading this. This is like being wild at a party when you don't know anyone and you will never see the people ever again. What do I care what you think of me??

I don't know how to explain this but I don't like other people looking at my things. I fear their disapproval -- just like the way I felt last week when my friend objected to my earrings. It feels bad. Why? Why am I so fearful? Is there something deeper? Man I'd like to get over this. So what if my pictures are blurry. So what if you don't like my earrings. Everything I do is not to please you. So what.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

we may never pass this way again

actually, we will never pass this way again. this moment in time is gone.

Seals & Crofts

So, I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy. I wanna cry if it makes it worthwhile.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you.
'Cause, you make me feel like I'm more than a friend. Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you, baby.

Strange when you realize that the way things are right now is only for right now. Tomorrow I will be a little older and something may happen to change everything -- or it may just gone on as it has, but it will be tomorrow and not today. I may write every night, but it won't ever be just like it is now. I won't feel exactly as I do right now. that's why, when I am doing something that I really love, I try and savor it -- because it will never be the same again. IT might be better, it might be as good, but it won't be the same. there have been a few times when I have stopped and thought that and I think I need to do it more. Just because. It's living in the moment (another one of those phrases that I don't like -- like surreal (not actually a phrase) or thinking outside the box or ... rats, I can't think of the other one, something about being yourself or discovering yourself... well anyway.)

I had some friends offer to let me blog at them. Nice offer but I'd rather think that no one is reading what I write -- no criticism that way. I need to start another blog at sometime that I can share. So I can share pictures and other such things. Not my deeper thoughts though. those are just for this. I might need to move this somewhere that really is private. I wonder if I can do that??? dunno. I'll have to ask someone who does know.

Friday, February 29, 2008

discouraged

Feeling just a little discouraged. I was hoping I could lose weight by modifying my eating just a little and increasing my exercise, but it looks like its going to take more than that. I need to modify more and exercise more. I'll have to figure out what 1200 calories looks like and build up to one hour on the treadmill. I'm at 1/2 hour a day right now and will take at least three weeks to build up to one hour. I want to keep at this, but some encouragement would help -- like some real weight loss. According to the scale here at the house, I'm down like 1 pound --at work it might be more like 3. That's not enough encouragement for me. I need like 10. I guess I haven't been working hard enough at it.

Been twittering a lot lately -- I enjoy it. Just wish more of my friends were twittering too. I wonder ...

twit·ter [twit-er] –verb (used without object)
1. to utter a succession of small, tremulous sounds, as a bird.
2. to talk lightly and rapidly, esp. of trivial matters; chatter.
3. to titter; giggle.
4. to tremble with excitement or the like; be in a flutter.

guess definition 2 is the correct one. Sometimes I feel so stupid. I need to go to school. Been thinking about it, maybe in the fall I can start taking classes again.

I'm getting the "run away" feeling again. Like getting away from my life is the solution. I know it's not but sometimes I just want to be somewhere else -- now is one of those times. Things are actually going okay, so I don't know why I'm feeling this way -- maybe because they are just okay.

Saw Juno tonight. It was actually pretty good. The main character was interesting, though I'm not sure the situation was at all realistic.

enough.
ttfn

Thursday, February 21, 2008

no deep thoughts

Don't know what the caption for today will be yet. I haven't been in the mood to write for a while now -- not thinking any deep thoughts or wishing to put what I'm thinking on paper (or rather on the web). I wonder if there is a word for deep thoughts? I'll have to check on that.

I want all my friends to twitter so that I can know what's going on with them -- it's an easy way to have an idea of what the people you care about are doing...

Monday, February 18, 2008

debate

Why is it that when an "intellectual" calls religion stupid, and those who follow any religion ignorant, he's a great debater and thinker? Does he think those who believe in God don't think? He must. And when he mocks religion, when he mocks these people, he thinks he is doing the world a service. Has he ever considered that there might actually be a god, not just a god, but the God? I wonder.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Time

I hope I have time to write before the husband comes to bed. Not that i am writing anything that he can't see I just don't like to have anyone reading this stuff (of course I'm putting this on the internet... but I know that no one is reading it. Kinda funny. The whole world could read what I write, but no one does...).

I don't know if I can handle my job emotionally. I get so distressed I just want to cry.

The problem is under control for today .. but how long will it last? We'll see.

So I have these goals to achieve by 2/18
1 -- lose 3 pounds
2 --send something to each of my children (I cheated and sent an e-card)
3 -- get one box out of my office

I've been working on the first one by limiting my sugar intake and counting calories. The second one was kind of a flake out but I did something. The third I'll have to do tomorrow -- I haven't even looked at those boxes and now I'll have to deal with it. And then on the 18th I'll have to come up with 3 more goals.

So anyway, back to the problem. I don't like having to deal with this -- I am a people pleaser and having to do this makes me very distressed. I have to address problems and tell people things and then they don't like me -- but if I don't do that then other people won't like me. I should never have taken the job in the first place -- but then I'd be disappointed in me. I just have to do what's right.

And then I have to have an eternal perspective, which is really hard. The things of this world will pass away. I need to keep my sights higher. Don't know how to do that, but I'm working on it.

I am so sick of being down and depressed and unfocused and stagnant ...

well time for bed.
love
me

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Goals III

In the big scheme of things, my goals are silliness. they have no importance except to me. They will not help anyone. They will not change the world. They are selfish and self-centered. Does that make them bad??

Perhaps I need to re-think my goals. To lose weight for the sake of being thinner, and therefore better looking, and therefore more desired, is perhaps not a good thing. However, to lose weight for the sake of being healthier is a good thing. What is my motivation? The first reason. However, i have not been very successful at having a goal and sticking to it -- so I am not so concerned about those things.

I was listening to a song this morning, "life for rent". One of the lines is "I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try". That's me to a tee. How can I fail at anything if I don't try. I don't want to be that way any more. I want to move out of that. The other song I was listening to, was the one by Kelly Clarkson, talking about fear, because of you -- I'm not sure who the "you" is in my life, but because of someone or something, I am afraid.

Fear is a big thing for me. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Matthew 10:28
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

We were talking tonight about really believing in God. Do I??

What do I think of Muslims praying to Jesus in the Mosque?

Things to think about.

Monday, February 11, 2008

goals II

I re-read the materials from the seminar I went to. Not sure how these things line up with my beliefs. the seminar materials are all self help - power of positive thinking - if you put your mind to it you can do anything. There is truth in all these things, but not the complete truth. That's my hesitation with the therapy -- is it feels like partial truth. Do I go with it, or am I too uncomfortable? Am I afraid to change? Am I afraid to give up my insecurity? Am I really made up of four different thought processes or people? It seems so hokey -- but at the same time, there is at least a thread of truth.

Is there this child in me that so desperately needs love and attention? Is that the person who tries to get out and control things? I'm not expressing this very well. I feel like I don't know how to have fun, that this part of me wants to have fun but can't. This part of me wants to be in control and wants to lose control. This part of me wants to stand under the bridge and scream as the train passes overhead. She wants to drink and party all night. She wants to be wild and crazy. But there is something that restrains her and so I do nothing and feel miserable.

Then there is the other part of me that wants to be creative. She wants to knit, crochet, take pictures, put the pictures together. Then there's this person, same as the creative person, who wants to finish school, wants to do the genealogy thing. But we don't do those things either.

The other part of me is filled up with the drudgery of life. Work. Dishes. Laundry. And that's all there is. No matter how hard you try, it comes back to the mundane drudgery. that's what is weighing me down. The crap. The stuff that needs to get done. I feel like I have to do it all -- and I don't enjoy it and it shows. Then this feeling pervades all the rest of me. My job. my creative areas -- they feel stupid and useless, I make them into drudgery. This part of me, makes me feel like nothing matters, that I'm useless, and unworthy. Everything I do is just crap. No matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. This is what I want to get out of but I'm afraid to face up to. Does any of this make sense? or am I going to delete all this tomorrow when I re-read it?

Ah, well. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and walk on the treadmill.

good night.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

goals

The only way I am going to achieve what I want (and I'm not really sure what I want, but I have some ideas) is to set some realistic goals. Mark my progress and reassess. I will make a list of goals and then figure what i need to do to achieve those goals. I'm going to start with baby steps.

1 -- lose weight -- which means, eat less, exercise more. where to begin?

a) this week, I'll go for sugar just once a day. I want to shoot for 1200 calories a day, but I'm not quite sure how to do that in my circumstance. I think I will count my calories this week to see what I am actually eating. I won't try to modify (other than the sugar 1x a day). I'll just monitor.

b) exercise-wise? not sure what is feasible and realistic. how about 10-15 minutes on the treadmill each day. That should be do-able. then we'll have to re-visit next week.

2 -- bible study -- I have two studies that I need to prepare for. one is once a week. the other two times a month. I will start with 15 minutes a day, at night, starting on Wednesday this week. I will have to prepare for this Tuesday's study on Monday night and then maybe at lunch on Tuesday.

It is really difficult for me to write about this here. I know that no one but me reads my blog, but I fear people knowing that I am a Christian and that I go to Bible studies and that I try to understand the Bible and God. I fear their rejection of me for having these beliefs. I fear they will think I'm stupid and make fun of me for these beliefs. And these things might very well be true (that others would think these things) -- but I have to get over the fear. What is the worst that can happen to me for this? People thinking these things and not liking me and even if worse things could happen, I should not fear what man can do to me.

3 -- knitting -- I have several projects going that I need to work on. when can I do that?

4 -- crocheting for women's retreat -- preparing presentation ...

5 -- taping shows for Paul. Sending him a package.

6 -- Sending package to Kelly.

7 -- cataloging pictures (get scanner); finish photo albums

8 -- genealogy

9 -- quilting

10 - school; I want to take the next English class, history classes, dance classes, photography.

11 -- reading, in addition to the fun reading I do, I want to read the classics, some non-fiction


I guess that's it for now. Anyway, this week, I think I'll focus on the first two things. the weight loss and bible study time. The other part of this goal setting stuff, is to revisit next Sunday night.

okay. go.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

humble, humility, humiliation

hum·ble – adjective
1. not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.
3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.
4. courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.
5. low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.
–verb (used with object)

hu·mil·i·ty – noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

hu·mil·i·at·ing – adjective
lowering the pride, self-respect, or dignity of a person; mortifying: Such a humiliating defeat was good for his overblown ego.

We desire to be humble; we try to show humility, but how many of us are willing to be humiliated? Jesus was willing to be humiliated. He was not just humble. He was willing to be thought a fool.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

witticism

I need to go over my notes from Sunday. I get these "epiphanies" -- actually just thoughts but if I say I have an epiphany it seems much deeper.

genocide [ˈdʒenəsaid] noun
the deliberate killing of a race of people

we were discussing genocide tonight, or briefly the word "genocide" and I always thought the definition was as noted above, but apparently it encompasses much more -- at least the accepted definition now -- "the deliberate and systematic extermination of a national, racial, political, or cultural group." Interesting. Probably is indicative of the type of violence we have seen over the last 100 years.

Writing about this makes me feel weird. Saying the word doesn't invoke quite the same feelings.

So what does this all have to do with witticism??

(wit·ti·cism [wit-uh-siz-uhm] – noun
a witty remark or sentence.
[Origin: 1645–55; deriv. of witty, modeled on criticism]
—Synonyms joke, jest, quip, sally, wisecrack.

not a thing. just thought I might have something witty to say.

g'night.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

esoteric

es·o·ter·ic –adjective
1. understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite: poetry full of esoteric allusions.
2. belonging to the select few.
3. private; secret; confidential.
4. (of a philosophical doctrine or the like) intended to be revealed only to the initiates of a group: the esoteric doctrines of Pythagoras.

formula

I wanted to write while it was still fresh in my memory ...

I keep looking for a formula to be happy, to be productive, to live my life, to be a good person, to be a good Christian. It's not about a formula -- there isn't one. It's about an attitude. How do I get that attitude? There can't be a formula for that either. Do you suppose there's a simple way. A simple solution? I need to find these things through Christ, but I desperately want a formula. Some thing that, if I do it, it's guaranteed to work and if it doesn't work it means I didn't do it right. Oh help.

I know it is about being -- about realizing that God wants us to come to him just as we are (where's the scripture for that?). There is nothing more comforting than being around people who accept you -- people who don't ask you to change in order to be their friends. People who don't want you to be smarter, prettier, funnier, better. People who just enjoy your company. People who like you for who you are. That's how God is. I believe this and you'd think that knowing this would make me want to spend time with him. I long to spend time with the people that I know who treat me this way. I might even say I yearn for this. Of course, in this case it is people with whom I don't have the opportunity to spend the time I'd like to spend. Is that why I yearn for it -- because I can't have it? or is it because it truly is so special? or some combination (most likely)? However, I always have this opportunity with God -- I just don't take it. Am I afraid? Afraid I'm wrong? Afraid I might have to change?

Friday, January 18, 2008

thriving?? I think maybe just surviving ....

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of different people (who in some instances are professional speakers) who are causing me to focus on having a positive attitude, looking forward, succeeding. The most recent one was a web cast yesterday by David McNally (I think that was his name) and what I mainly got out of it was that there are two kinds of people in the world -- those who survive and those who thrive. The difference between the two is attitude. He gave quotes from different people, all of whom were successful, but whose attitudes were different -- so thriving doesn't mean success -- and surviving isn't lack of success.

Interesting because these things are usually about success. How to focus and achieve. He was dealing with achieving but didn't actually say that. And that's not what I got out of it anyway. The quotes that I put up yesterday were things I got from the web cast. I guess I should put them in quotes.

The problem I'm having is being able to remember those things -- is it that I don't want to remember? or just that I'm getting old and my memory isn't what it should be? I want to have a more positive outlook - but it has to come from the inside out.

At a conference I went to in November, there were two speakers who were talking about the same basic thing. I am going to go over my notes this weekend and see what I can pull out of them. Anyway, thriving is an attitude which brings about action. I may even get this guy's book ... we'll see. Maybe I can check it out at the library ... something about eagles.

I just felt so much more productive and positive after listening to the webcast -- it was weird. I was wondering if I listened to scripture like that if it would give me the same result.

here are those seven questions again ...

"Who do I serve?"
"What are their expectations of me?"
"What do I offer to meet those expectations?"

"What matters today?"
"What can I do for my family today?"
"What do I need to do for myself today?"
"What do I choose to do today?"

The last four are the ones I need to face each morning -- what matters? so I can keep my perspective. What can I do for my family today? keep my priorities in line; what do I need to do for myself? so that I feel good about me; what do I choose to do? a recognition that I am making choices .. things aren't just happening. If circumstances are out of my control, my response to the circumstances isn't.

anyway, that's it for now. now i feel like i'm thriving instead of just surviving.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thriving today ...

good question to ask each morning ... along with the others. I'll have to write them down cuz I just can't remember anything if I don't write it down. part of getting older.

Survivor or Thriver?

"Who do I serve?"
"What are their expectations of me?"
"What do I offer to meet those expectations?"

"What matters today?"
"What can I do for my family today?"
"What do I need to do for myself today?"
"What do I choose to do today?"

Sunday, January 13, 2008

can I?

Well, it's been far too long. We had an interesting Christmas. My parents arrived on December 21, the day of my office holiday party. My son came home for Christmas -- well he showed up on the 27th. I took a couple of days off -- a total of three which is a big deal for me. He's gone -- heading back to Afghanistan. He and his girlfriend got engaged. So anyway ...

the can I? is referring to can I keep up with this. I read some earlier blogs (now deleted) and was surprised at how they sounded. Not too depressing, but rather introspective. so I think I'll try and do this more often.

the title of my blog may need to change. I'm pushing 50 so I guess that's what it needs to say. I would never have believed that at 50 (well almost), I would still feel confused and mixed up and unsure. Is it this way with everyone or just me? Are others more on top of it?