Friday, February 29, 2008

discouraged

Feeling just a little discouraged. I was hoping I could lose weight by modifying my eating just a little and increasing my exercise, but it looks like its going to take more than that. I need to modify more and exercise more. I'll have to figure out what 1200 calories looks like and build up to one hour on the treadmill. I'm at 1/2 hour a day right now and will take at least three weeks to build up to one hour. I want to keep at this, but some encouragement would help -- like some real weight loss. According to the scale here at the house, I'm down like 1 pound --at work it might be more like 3. That's not enough encouragement for me. I need like 10. I guess I haven't been working hard enough at it.

Been twittering a lot lately -- I enjoy it. Just wish more of my friends were twittering too. I wonder ...

twit·ter [twit-er] –verb (used without object)
1. to utter a succession of small, tremulous sounds, as a bird.
2. to talk lightly and rapidly, esp. of trivial matters; chatter.
3. to titter; giggle.
4. to tremble with excitement or the like; be in a flutter.

guess definition 2 is the correct one. Sometimes I feel so stupid. I need to go to school. Been thinking about it, maybe in the fall I can start taking classes again.

I'm getting the "run away" feeling again. Like getting away from my life is the solution. I know it's not but sometimes I just want to be somewhere else -- now is one of those times. Things are actually going okay, so I don't know why I'm feeling this way -- maybe because they are just okay.

Saw Juno tonight. It was actually pretty good. The main character was interesting, though I'm not sure the situation was at all realistic.

enough.
ttfn

Thursday, February 21, 2008

no deep thoughts

Don't know what the caption for today will be yet. I haven't been in the mood to write for a while now -- not thinking any deep thoughts or wishing to put what I'm thinking on paper (or rather on the web). I wonder if there is a word for deep thoughts? I'll have to check on that.

I want all my friends to twitter so that I can know what's going on with them -- it's an easy way to have an idea of what the people you care about are doing...

Monday, February 18, 2008

debate

Why is it that when an "intellectual" calls religion stupid, and those who follow any religion ignorant, he's a great debater and thinker? Does he think those who believe in God don't think? He must. And when he mocks religion, when he mocks these people, he thinks he is doing the world a service. Has he ever considered that there might actually be a god, not just a god, but the God? I wonder.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Time

I hope I have time to write before the husband comes to bed. Not that i am writing anything that he can't see I just don't like to have anyone reading this stuff (of course I'm putting this on the internet... but I know that no one is reading it. Kinda funny. The whole world could read what I write, but no one does...).

I don't know if I can handle my job emotionally. I get so distressed I just want to cry.

The problem is under control for today .. but how long will it last? We'll see.

So I have these goals to achieve by 2/18
1 -- lose 3 pounds
2 --send something to each of my children (I cheated and sent an e-card)
3 -- get one box out of my office

I've been working on the first one by limiting my sugar intake and counting calories. The second one was kind of a flake out but I did something. The third I'll have to do tomorrow -- I haven't even looked at those boxes and now I'll have to deal with it. And then on the 18th I'll have to come up with 3 more goals.

So anyway, back to the problem. I don't like having to deal with this -- I am a people pleaser and having to do this makes me very distressed. I have to address problems and tell people things and then they don't like me -- but if I don't do that then other people won't like me. I should never have taken the job in the first place -- but then I'd be disappointed in me. I just have to do what's right.

And then I have to have an eternal perspective, which is really hard. The things of this world will pass away. I need to keep my sights higher. Don't know how to do that, but I'm working on it.

I am so sick of being down and depressed and unfocused and stagnant ...

well time for bed.
love
me

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Goals III

In the big scheme of things, my goals are silliness. they have no importance except to me. They will not help anyone. They will not change the world. They are selfish and self-centered. Does that make them bad??

Perhaps I need to re-think my goals. To lose weight for the sake of being thinner, and therefore better looking, and therefore more desired, is perhaps not a good thing. However, to lose weight for the sake of being healthier is a good thing. What is my motivation? The first reason. However, i have not been very successful at having a goal and sticking to it -- so I am not so concerned about those things.

I was listening to a song this morning, "life for rent". One of the lines is "I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try". That's me to a tee. How can I fail at anything if I don't try. I don't want to be that way any more. I want to move out of that. The other song I was listening to, was the one by Kelly Clarkson, talking about fear, because of you -- I'm not sure who the "you" is in my life, but because of someone or something, I am afraid.

Fear is a big thing for me. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear. Fear. Fear.

Matthew 10:28
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

We were talking tonight about really believing in God. Do I??

What do I think of Muslims praying to Jesus in the Mosque?

Things to think about.

Monday, February 11, 2008

goals II

I re-read the materials from the seminar I went to. Not sure how these things line up with my beliefs. the seminar materials are all self help - power of positive thinking - if you put your mind to it you can do anything. There is truth in all these things, but not the complete truth. That's my hesitation with the therapy -- is it feels like partial truth. Do I go with it, or am I too uncomfortable? Am I afraid to change? Am I afraid to give up my insecurity? Am I really made up of four different thought processes or people? It seems so hokey -- but at the same time, there is at least a thread of truth.

Is there this child in me that so desperately needs love and attention? Is that the person who tries to get out and control things? I'm not expressing this very well. I feel like I don't know how to have fun, that this part of me wants to have fun but can't. This part of me wants to be in control and wants to lose control. This part of me wants to stand under the bridge and scream as the train passes overhead. She wants to drink and party all night. She wants to be wild and crazy. But there is something that restrains her and so I do nothing and feel miserable.

Then there is the other part of me that wants to be creative. She wants to knit, crochet, take pictures, put the pictures together. Then there's this person, same as the creative person, who wants to finish school, wants to do the genealogy thing. But we don't do those things either.

The other part of me is filled up with the drudgery of life. Work. Dishes. Laundry. And that's all there is. No matter how hard you try, it comes back to the mundane drudgery. that's what is weighing me down. The crap. The stuff that needs to get done. I feel like I have to do it all -- and I don't enjoy it and it shows. Then this feeling pervades all the rest of me. My job. my creative areas -- they feel stupid and useless, I make them into drudgery. This part of me, makes me feel like nothing matters, that I'm useless, and unworthy. Everything I do is just crap. No matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. This is what I want to get out of but I'm afraid to face up to. Does any of this make sense? or am I going to delete all this tomorrow when I re-read it?

Ah, well. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and walk on the treadmill.

good night.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

goals

The only way I am going to achieve what I want (and I'm not really sure what I want, but I have some ideas) is to set some realistic goals. Mark my progress and reassess. I will make a list of goals and then figure what i need to do to achieve those goals. I'm going to start with baby steps.

1 -- lose weight -- which means, eat less, exercise more. where to begin?

a) this week, I'll go for sugar just once a day. I want to shoot for 1200 calories a day, but I'm not quite sure how to do that in my circumstance. I think I will count my calories this week to see what I am actually eating. I won't try to modify (other than the sugar 1x a day). I'll just monitor.

b) exercise-wise? not sure what is feasible and realistic. how about 10-15 minutes on the treadmill each day. That should be do-able. then we'll have to re-visit next week.

2 -- bible study -- I have two studies that I need to prepare for. one is once a week. the other two times a month. I will start with 15 minutes a day, at night, starting on Wednesday this week. I will have to prepare for this Tuesday's study on Monday night and then maybe at lunch on Tuesday.

It is really difficult for me to write about this here. I know that no one but me reads my blog, but I fear people knowing that I am a Christian and that I go to Bible studies and that I try to understand the Bible and God. I fear their rejection of me for having these beliefs. I fear they will think I'm stupid and make fun of me for these beliefs. And these things might very well be true (that others would think these things) -- but I have to get over the fear. What is the worst that can happen to me for this? People thinking these things and not liking me and even if worse things could happen, I should not fear what man can do to me.

3 -- knitting -- I have several projects going that I need to work on. when can I do that?

4 -- crocheting for women's retreat -- preparing presentation ...

5 -- taping shows for Paul. Sending him a package.

6 -- Sending package to Kelly.

7 -- cataloging pictures (get scanner); finish photo albums

8 -- genealogy

9 -- quilting

10 - school; I want to take the next English class, history classes, dance classes, photography.

11 -- reading, in addition to the fun reading I do, I want to read the classics, some non-fiction


I guess that's it for now. Anyway, this week, I think I'll focus on the first two things. the weight loss and bible study time. The other part of this goal setting stuff, is to revisit next Sunday night.

okay. go.