Saturday, March 8, 2008

ten good memories

that's a tough assignment -- not because I can't think of ten but how big on the good scale are they supposed to be. Let's come up with a few right now...

1 -- playing cards with friends

2 -- when Mark was born (not to say that other births weren't great -- they were, but there was something different about Mark's birth)

3 --when Paul met me at the train after being in Ohio for a month

4 -- making jam with mom

5 -- spending time with Robin

6 -- getting my promotion

7 -- hanging curtains in the room

8 -- buying the beds

9 -- when Amanda said she liked me, that she understood I wasn't comfortable around people... not descriptive enough

10 -- dancing at the Christmas party last year

here's my first stab at it. I'll come back to this tomorrow (or later today) and modify it until I come up with a list that I'm happy with. That's funny.

Friday, March 7, 2008

melancholy

why do I feel like I have to hide who I am? Why do I not want people to see me? I feel as though my privacy is non-existent. That's why I write this and put it up on the internet -- that doesn't really make any sense but I don't think anyone is reading this. This is like being wild at a party when you don't know anyone and you will never see the people ever again. What do I care what you think of me??

I don't know how to explain this but I don't like other people looking at my things. I fear their disapproval -- just like the way I felt last week when my friend objected to my earrings. It feels bad. Why? Why am I so fearful? Is there something deeper? Man I'd like to get over this. So what if my pictures are blurry. So what if you don't like my earrings. Everything I do is not to please you. So what.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

we may never pass this way again

actually, we will never pass this way again. this moment in time is gone.

Seals & Crofts

So, I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy. I wanna cry if it makes it worthwhile.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you.
'Cause, you make me feel like I'm more than a friend. Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end.
We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you, baby.

Strange when you realize that the way things are right now is only for right now. Tomorrow I will be a little older and something may happen to change everything -- or it may just gone on as it has, but it will be tomorrow and not today. I may write every night, but it won't ever be just like it is now. I won't feel exactly as I do right now. that's why, when I am doing something that I really love, I try and savor it -- because it will never be the same again. IT might be better, it might be as good, but it won't be the same. there have been a few times when I have stopped and thought that and I think I need to do it more. Just because. It's living in the moment (another one of those phrases that I don't like -- like surreal (not actually a phrase) or thinking outside the box or ... rats, I can't think of the other one, something about being yourself or discovering yourself... well anyway.)

I had some friends offer to let me blog at them. Nice offer but I'd rather think that no one is reading what I write -- no criticism that way. I need to start another blog at sometime that I can share. So I can share pictures and other such things. Not my deeper thoughts though. those are just for this. I might need to move this somewhere that really is private. I wonder if I can do that??? dunno. I'll have to ask someone who does know.