Monday, February 11, 2008

goals II

I re-read the materials from the seminar I went to. Not sure how these things line up with my beliefs. the seminar materials are all self help - power of positive thinking - if you put your mind to it you can do anything. There is truth in all these things, but not the complete truth. That's my hesitation with the therapy -- is it feels like partial truth. Do I go with it, or am I too uncomfortable? Am I afraid to change? Am I afraid to give up my insecurity? Am I really made up of four different thought processes or people? It seems so hokey -- but at the same time, there is at least a thread of truth.

Is there this child in me that so desperately needs love and attention? Is that the person who tries to get out and control things? I'm not expressing this very well. I feel like I don't know how to have fun, that this part of me wants to have fun but can't. This part of me wants to be in control and wants to lose control. This part of me wants to stand under the bridge and scream as the train passes overhead. She wants to drink and party all night. She wants to be wild and crazy. But there is something that restrains her and so I do nothing and feel miserable.

Then there is the other part of me that wants to be creative. She wants to knit, crochet, take pictures, put the pictures together. Then there's this person, same as the creative person, who wants to finish school, wants to do the genealogy thing. But we don't do those things either.

The other part of me is filled up with the drudgery of life. Work. Dishes. Laundry. And that's all there is. No matter how hard you try, it comes back to the mundane drudgery. that's what is weighing me down. The crap. The stuff that needs to get done. I feel like I have to do it all -- and I don't enjoy it and it shows. Then this feeling pervades all the rest of me. My job. my creative areas -- they feel stupid and useless, I make them into drudgery. This part of me, makes me feel like nothing matters, that I'm useless, and unworthy. Everything I do is just crap. No matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. This is what I want to get out of but I'm afraid to face up to. Does any of this make sense? or am I going to delete all this tomorrow when I re-read it?

Ah, well. I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and walk on the treadmill.

good night.

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