esoteric

es·o·ter·ic –adjective
1. understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite: poetry full of esoteric allusions.
2. belonging to the select few.
3. private; secret; confidential.
4. (of a philosophical doctrine or the like) intended to be revealed only to the initiates of a group: the esoteric doctrines of Pythagoras.

formula

I wanted to write while it was still fresh in my memory ...

I keep looking for a formula to be happy, to be productive, to live my life, to be a good person, to be a good Christian. It's not about a formula -- there isn't one. It's about an attitude. How do I get that attitude? There can't be a formula for that either. Do you suppose there's a simple way. A simple solution? I need to find these things through Christ, but I desperately want a formula. Some thing that, if I do it, it's guaranteed to work and if it doesn't work it means I didn't do it right. Oh help.

I know it is about being -- about realizing that God wants us to come to him just as we are (where's the scripture for that?). There is nothing more comforting than being around people who accept you -- people who don't ask you to change in order to be their friends. People who don't want you to be smarter, prettier, funnier, better. People who just enjoy your company. People who like you for who you are. That's how God is. I believe this and you'd think that knowing this would make me want to spend time with him. I long to spend time with the people that I know who treat me this way. I might even say I yearn for this. Of course, in this case it is people with whom I don't have the opportunity to spend the time I'd like to spend. Is that why I yearn for it -- because I can't have it? or is it because it truly is so special? or some combination (most likely)? However, I always have this opportunity with God -- I just don't take it. Am I afraid? Afraid I'm wrong? Afraid I might have to change?

thriving?? I think maybe just surviving ....

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of different people (who in some instances are professional speakers) who are causing me to focus on having a positive attitude, looking forward, succeeding. The most recent one was a web cast yesterday by David McNally (I think that was his name) and what I mainly got out of it was that there are two kinds of people in the world -- those who survive and those who thrive. The difference between the two is attitude. He gave quotes from different people, all of whom were successful, but whose attitudes were different -- so thriving doesn't mean success -- and surviving isn't lack of success.

Interesting because these things are usually about success. How to focus and achieve. He was dealing with achieving but didn't actually say that. And that's not what I got out of it anyway. The quotes that I put up yesterday were things I got from the web cast. I guess I should put them in quotes.

The problem I'm having is being able to remember those things -- is it that I don't want to remember? or just that I'm getting old and my memory isn't what it should be? I want to have a more positive outlook - but it has to come from the inside out.

At a conference I went to in November, there were two speakers who were talking about the same basic thing. I am going to go over my notes this weekend and see what I can pull out of them. Anyway, thriving is an attitude which brings about action. I may even get this guy's book ... we'll see. Maybe I can check it out at the library ... something about eagles.

I just felt so much more productive and positive after listening to the webcast -- it was weird. I was wondering if I listened to scripture like that if it would give me the same result.

here are those seven questions again ...

"Who do I serve?"
"What are their expectations of me?"
"What do I offer to meet those expectations?"

"What matters today?"
"What can I do for my family today?"
"What do I need to do for myself today?"
"What do I choose to do today?"

The last four are the ones I need to face each morning -- what matters? so I can keep my perspective. What can I do for my family today? keep my priorities in line; what do I need to do for myself? so that I feel good about me; what do I choose to do? a recognition that I am making choices .. things aren't just happening. If circumstances are out of my control, my response to the circumstances isn't.

anyway, that's it for now. now i feel like i'm thriving instead of just surviving.

Thriving today ...

good question to ask each morning ... along with the others. I'll have to write them down cuz I just can't remember anything if I don't write it down. part of getting older.

Survivor or Thriver?

"Who do I serve?"
"What are their expectations of me?"
"What do I offer to meet those expectations?"

"What matters today?"
"What can I do for my family today?"
"What do I need to do for myself today?"
"What do I choose to do today?"

can I?

Well, it's been far too long. We had an interesting Christmas. My parents arrived on December 21, the day of my office holiday party. My son came home for Christmas -- well he showed up on the 27th. I took a couple of days off -- a total of three which is a big deal for me. He's gone -- heading back to Afghanistan. He and his girlfriend got engaged. So anyway ...

the can I? is referring to can I keep up with this. I read some earlier blogs (now deleted) and was surprised at how they sounded. Not too depressing, but rather introspective. so I think I'll try and do this more often.

the title of my blog may need to change. I'm pushing 50 so I guess that's what it needs to say. I would never have believed that at 50 (well almost), I would still feel confused and mixed up and unsure. Is it this way with everyone or just me? Are others more on top of it?

depressing

I was looking through some things I'd written over the past several years -- totally downers so I threw it all away. It's bad enough to be down all the time but to have evidence of it ... need to get out of this funk. It's been going on for way way too long.

My cat snores.

Time

The year has been slipping by. It'll be Thanksgiving in just a few weeks. and then Christmas. Wow! Paul will be home two days after Christmas.

October

Things keep going on. I am at a strange place right now. I feel like I need to make a decision about my life/my job. Today's list.

1. Getting an e-mail from Paul
2. the Redskins won!
3. text message from Robin
4. seeing and talking with Sandy at church
5. e-mail from my dad
6. playing with weezer in closet
7. watching spooky in the attic


not so good things
1. sliced my finger while cutting zuchini
2. thinking maybe I shouldn't have the job I have - wishing I had just said "no"

that's all I could think of

So am I afraid of success? or is this job just not something I should be doing? I want to make a difference in the lives of the people I work with. I want to help them achieve their potential. How can I do that?

Eagle Harbor Days

today's list

1 -- beautiful colors - the trees changing
2 -- walking around the harbor
3 -- walking through the cemetary
4 -- picking apples
5 -- making apple sauce
6 -- email from Paul

Epiphany

I’ve come to another realization – another epiphany -- I can’t stop waiting for good things to happen or look back at good things that happened either, I need to enjoy my life as it is happening – the little things – that’s what makes life worth living.

The following lists are not in any particular order – the first item is just the one I wrote first, not necessarily the best or the worst …

Really good things that happened today:
1 – a little girl (1.5 years old) on the plane showing me her belly button
2 – the same little girl, high five-ing me
3 – the same little girl, touching fists
4 - Michael called to say “hi” – of course I was at the Minneapolis airport...
5 - Eating dinner with both my parents at "the Blue Place"
6 - Being in Eagle Harbor


Some good things that happened today:
1 – I woke up – just a little later than planned – without my alarm going off
2 – I got an aisle seat on the plane
3 – There was no line at the airport
4 – I had a root beer float (A&W of course)
5 - I took a walk around Eagle Harbor


Things that made me smile today:
1 – two little boys at the airport wearing cowboy boots
2 - the tree colors
3 - a red mustang speeding out of Eagle Harbor

Things that made me sad / or were lousy (must be limited to ONLY ten)
1 – my alarm didn’t go off
2 – the guy on the plane that tried to get off before everyone else because he was just more important than them (not as though lots of other people didn’t need to make connecting flights too!)
3 - wondering how many more times I'll be here